Luke
Skywalker was already well-advanced on the
path to Jedidom when the series started,
since he'd spent the last umpteen years on a
sand ranch. Most modern Padawans must start
their programs a little earlier. This page
represents my personal training goals; if you
want to train, work up your own set.
Phase I will be complete
when I can:
- Perform
Jedi mind control on small animals.
- Stand
on my hands against a wall for 10
minutes.
- Bench
125 pounds.
- Squat
150 pounds.
- Do
three pullups.
- Do the
kind of situp which involves sitting
on a reclining bench--easily.
- Run two
miles.
Phase II
will be complete when I can:
- Herd
farm animals, wrangle robots, and do
all other things necessary for the
running of a postmodern sand ranch.
- Perform
Jedi mind control on large animals.
- Light a
lightsaber.
- Levitate
small objects with the power of my
mind.
- Stand
on my hands in the middle of the room
for 10 minutes.
- Bench
145 pounds.
- Squat
175 pounds.
- Do
fifteen behind-the-neck pullups.
- Do the
kind of situp which involves hanging
from a bar.
- Run
eight miles.
Phase III
will be complete when I can:
- Levitate
a small starship with the power of my
mind. (This accomplishment makes
the rest of my weight-training
pointless, but the true test of a
Jedi is whether she looks good in a
big brown bathrobe.)
- Stand
on one hand in the middle of a swamp
for 10 minutes.
- Perform
Jedi mind control on sentients.
- Bench
165 pounds.
- Squat
200 pounds.
- Do
great masses of pullups.
- Do the
kind of situp which involves hanging
from a bar--easily.
- Run
eight miles regularly and easily.
Phase IV
will be complete when I can:
- Kill my
own father in pitched combat on a
bridge inside the Death Star. (Note
to self: Must enroll father in Jedi
training early so that he will have
become a nigh-unstoppable force of
evil by the time I am ready to
complete Phase IV. He is probably
ready to start training in Phase II,
and favorite glowing neon yellow
T-shirt indicates that he is ripe for
the Dark Side, but currently the
pitched battle would go something
like, "Hey, Dad! Look at that
cool thingy way down there!"
*kick* Must also find out whether
electrical engineers are capable of
becoming Jedis. If not, may have to
change this requirement to "Kill
my own mother in pitched combat on a
bridge inside the Death Star."
Mom is an elementary-school nurse
lady and is therefore capable of
anything.)
- Drive
through central Boston with my eyes
closed.
- Perform
Jedi mind control on my mother.
- Bench
185 pounds.
- Squat
225 pounds.
- See my
abs.
- Run a
less-prestigious marathon.
- Shag
Han Solo.
I'm still
getting a feel for the relative difficulty of
these tasks, so all of these checkpoints are
subject to change with experience. As a
comparison, according to the British All
Comers' Powerlifting Records the records for
women in my weight class are 295 pounds for
the bench press and 466 pounds for the squat.
I can
currently:
- Levitate
birds.
- Perform
Jedi mind control on plants.
- Stand
on my hands against a wall for a
couple of minutes.
- Bench
70 pounds easily, 85 with more
difficulty; after that my arms wobble
and I start to fear killing myself
with the bar. Must find a spotter so
I can learn what my max is.
- Squat
110 pounds, although this was giving
me back trouble. Again: Must find a
spotter so I can learn my max.
- Do most
of one pullup if my arms are fresh
and I kick.
- Do a
set of 50 crunches on the machine at
the gym without dying, although any
attempt to do this at home causes
severe back pain around crunch 10. I
can also do about ten reclining
situps before my back starts making
ominous noises.
- Run a
quarter of a mile easily; I haven't
run a whole mile except on a machine.
I can walk four miles without being
more than flagged and a little
cranky.
I can also
bend over, place my palms flat on the ground,
and bend my arms, which is why flexibility
training isn't on the list.
Weight loss is a personal goal
of mine, but since my weight affects my Jedi training only in
matters of pullups, running, and how good I look in a big brown
bathrobe, I am not setting weight requirements for each training
phase.
